I’ve come to the realization that we really have nothing to lose. It makes me wonder, why then, we all live like we do.
In the past week I have sent out a batch of resumes, made follow up calls, and sat for an interview. I had anticipation, but I wasn’t nervous. Usually I would be a in an ulcer-inducing mess, constantly fretting over the wording of a line, or coming across pleasant or saying the right thing. I would be praying fervently, the same thing, over and over, pleading with God to give me an internship. I know this because I’ve been this way all my life. This time is different. I know that if all else fails I have a spot waiting for me where I currently work. I’m putting my feelers out, but I’m not too worried. This mind set has opened my eyes. Having nothing to lose has changed my perspective.
In most situations when I was younger I was timid. I wasn’t afraid of people; I was afraid of what they thought of me. I didn’t fear situations; I feared how they would affect me. I wasn’t shy, I was calculating. So I didn’t put myself out there. I let opportunities pass by, and gladly. I would think, “That’s another bullet dodged.” Or, “At least I didn’t fail it.” My older and clearly wiser self looks at that and thinks, “What a shame.”
I don’t have regrets, but I do lament that I was the only thing holding myself back. I lived like there was something at stake, something to lose. At that age the world is brimming with possibilities. All you have to do is let your brightly colored balloon, filled with hopes and secret dreams, fly. I was the little girl clenching the strings of the balloon. I clenched so tight that my hand feels stuck that way. Now it’s a struggle to flex, it’s painful to open my hand. But, I do it.
For an internship, I have something to fall back on. I’m bold, I call, I email, and I probe. I say things I normally wouldn’t say. It’s strange, but oddly exhilarating. I’m finding this a far more interesting way to live: with no fear, like I have nothing to lose – because I don’t. I have nothing to lose. And it applies to everything else in my life.
If we believe our actions or inactions can’t change God’s love for us, then we can’t lose that. If we believe our relationship with God is built on faith and not our deeds, then we can’t lose that. If we believe that He will give good things, and He will fight our battles and He will make our paths straight, then we have nothing to lose. I believe those things, they are a harness in this tight-rope walk called life. But it’s like I want a harness, a safety net and to remain firmly planted on the ground.
I don’t need those things. And I don’t want them anymore. I’m going to make it across any the tight-rope anyway. They do nothing for safety and everything for holding me back from the spectacular view and the experience of walking across. I’m already up on the rope, and I have nothing to lose, so I want to stop living like I do.